moments.

My kids found a box with old VHS home videos in it from 2000.


9 years ago.


The twins had just turned one.


They were small, their little hands tiny, their voices sweet.


They could barely walk, or talk, but smiling, and playing together.


I sat down reluctlantly with so much to do, but my eyes hit the screen and I saw my little


babies and I was hooked.


I couldn't believe it...


I had twin babies, a boy and a girl...so small, so little, and I so young.


I was surprised at my emotions. I was instantly hit with nostalgia.


Sadness maybe? Happiness too? I couldn't believe 9 years had past. really? nine years?


and then it hit me. Hard.


Life was moving on, my twins now 10. My babies no longer babies.


And I will never have a baby again. Their soft, little heads, small hands, their smell, the little noises, their warm, cuddly little bodies...


hard pregnancies, labor, late nights, early awakenings, bottles, binkies, diapers...


the time is no longer.


I am at the next phase of life.


It is busy, there are schedules, lessons to go to, demands on our time.


always.


I started to cry, I didn't mean to and it caught me off guard.


I missed the little baby moments. Was that why I was sad? or was I crying out of happiness?


or was it that I have no more babies? maybe it was all of those reasons..


But we know that we are done.


I look back at those 9 years and


my days were spent inside my cute, little home raising the twins. Ry working full time and college full time.


Me home every day, taking on the role of a mother: cleaning, nurturing, supporting Ryan and raising my sweet babies.


It was quiet, simple days: two babies: days full of diapers, bottles, no schedules, no school, no practices.


and yes, sometimes long days for me, Ry gone for up to 18 hours, trying to provide for out little family. But then, coming home, and playing and spending his spare little moments with his new babies.


It was a lonely time for me and so exhausting, but I look back and I learned so much. I grew so much. I realized it was so hard, but also so rewarding. I loved it.


I loved being a mom. AND I always knew my entire life that I couldn't wait.....


to be a mama.


And I was at the young age of 22, with TWINS!


Life had stopped for me



OR



had it just begun?


My true calling as a woman, the honor of being a MOTHER.


Nothing can replace that gift.


And now, time is slipping by. month by month, year by year.


Is it okay for me to want to stop it?


Just push pause. Let my kids stay kids. Not face this big world out there.


Keep it simple. Keep it easy.


Go back to the days where we sat and played all day.

Days empty except for napping, eating, and playing.

But now it is clear, I understand

I know now that I am not sad.


No.

Just the opposite.

I am incredibly happy and content.

I know


that I have no regrets of our choice....


We are done with 4. We are complete.


Our Stott family : Austin, Ashlyn, Jake, and Mace.


happiness.


blessings.


my family.


And my feelings last night were okay, to be sad or rather happy, right??


To love those moments as a mama I will never get back.


My little tiny babies so small, such cute smiles


I am so thankful


for memories, for moments captured in time.


They are sweet, they are sentimental. I dropped all I had to do last night and just


watched. tears, yes.


Watched my babies grow and grow. Mesmerized that time can slip on by.


I am so incredibly grateful.


My heart was full. We were blessed. AND we are blessed still.


and I am grateful for my blog now. My moments that will be captured forever.


My feelings, my thoughts, our lives forever put in story and time.


Life. It never stops, always progressing.


Life is resuming, we are all growing and changing...


So I end this post with a grateful heart


really.


I have four beautiful, happy, healthy children.


I am their mama


and I get to stay at home


and raise them.


How I want to. How I feel they need to in this big world...


I yearn for those glimpses in time, my babies, but no longer babies.


But NOW, I look forward to the memories ahead, the big milestones to hit, my babies growing up


and it's okay.


I am ready. And I will try....


and do my best.


thanks for listening and hearing me out. I needed that.


You have all been good for me. I feel blessed to have "all of you" in my life. This blog allows connections and validations.. mama's, friends, sisters, we all come together and I need that, we all need that!


Loves to all of you!


and always always cherish our moments in life!

And especially our babies!

... enjoy all those sweet moments.

and this song is perfect for us mama's! It reminds me of my own mom who raised 10 children! loves to you! We are all amazin' mama's and like Polly in this song, "one good woman"!

xo

The birds and the lovely bees!

I want to be Mace today

and stay sleeping in my warm, comfy bed because I am off in an hour or so for Ashlyn's

"maturation program!"

I can't believe I am old enough to have a child who IS old enough to know how

"she got here."

(okay wait, I do feel old enough, I have 4 kids but your FIRST experience with this is crazy.)

And really, Ashlyn already knows all the "goods." I told her over a year ago.

And I wasn't going to let a stranger with a pamphlet tell my daughter about the birds and the bee's either.

I think the kids need to hear it from mom and dad who present it in a "good way."

I told her early because kids ASK early....it's sad how kids talk at lunch a say alllll sorts of crazy stories that mom's have to fix.

AND Ashlyn has always wanted to know WHY?... about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Always. Questions. Why this? How does this work? Everyday questions about all sorts of things not just that. So I take that as a good thing in life, to always ask and question things, but sometimes as a mom, I can't believe I am teaching my children life lessons. I sure hope I am prepared....But do we ever feel totally prepared and that we are doing and saying the right things?? I question myself daily!

So off I go, on to a fun and somewhat awkward adventure. I so remember mine and all the pamphlets and all those WORDS. ewww. really.

I will be back with an update...~

(and I may need a big diet coke after...:)