Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough?

Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough for your kids? for your hubby, for yourself?

Do I read enough books to Mace?

Could I study more math box with Jake?

Do I take enough time for the twins homework?

Is there more I could do for them?

Could I focus more? On the kids? on church? on me? on Ry?

Should I stop girls night once a month? (okay, NO, i love my girls!)

But do I feel guilt? (yes)

Did I do my visiting teaching? Am I doing good enough in my church calling?



Could I offer to help someone in need?





Do I do enough to support my hubby?

(Easter 2007)

I know could hold more consistent FHE and read the scriptures more.

I could pray more often too.



Am I just SIMPLY. doing. enough??



And you know what the answer is:

NO. I doubt it.

I go to bed wondering the majority of those questions all.the.t i m e.



I worry, stress, wonder and hope.




BUT, in my defense. I am a mother.

(Ashlyn 7. Me pregnant with Mace 2006)

And mother's worry, stress, wonder, and hope.

Right?




That's our jobs. plain and simple.




We put so much on our OWN plates.




We are the nurtures, the fixers, the one the kids rush to with all their needs.





But that's okay, in fact that's great, because that's my job. That's what I signed up for.



A mother.




Plain and simple.



But really us mom's know it's just not plain and simple.



Nope, it's not. In fact, it's quite the opposite!




We probably all go to bed with the same stream of questions running through our minds.



I am doing enough? could I do more? what can I change? who needs more help?



I feel guilty all the time that maybe I could. do. more. each. day.




But I know that's an incorrect thought.



I think the world "looks down upon" motherhood. but really that thought only empowers me more.




I always wanted a house full of kids. Wanted a loving hubby, houseful of babies,and a white picket fence. I never ever wanted a "career." My career was my babies, a good hubby, a hardworking mama.

(day before I delivered Mace. Easter 2006)

The perfect story right.


Well somewhat of a naive dream. A dream of a little girl her whole life. Believing whole heartedly in her picket fence.

(April 17, 2006)

I got it. But I also know that Life is not simple and neither is motherhood.



We all know that. As mothers we know how hard we work every day.



And it's okay it's not simple. Its not supposed to be.


And we don't get bonus or paychecks or a vacation getaway for doing all our chores.




Nope.


but you know what I get?



A sloppy kiss from Mace professing his love to me, Austin coming home from school and telling me he got voted in as his class president, Jake going to his baptism preview and not wiping the smile of his face, Ashlyn coming to me and thanking me for all I do for her.

Yup, that's my paycheck. And I will take it. I will take it over any monetary payout. Forget the extra money or bonuses. I got them right inside my home. In fact I got four of them.




They bring me my satisfaction and joy every day. I love it. I love my job. hard? Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. but worth it.



So when the stream of questions enter my mind and run through it endlessly:



I wonder, I worry, I stress, over and over and over....



in the end. I know.



I know I am trying my hardest.




I know Ry and I are doing all we can.




I have put my heart and mind fully into motherhood.




All the work and sacrifice for so much reward and love now. I am happy.





And guess what?



I know I am not perfect, I know I make mistakes every day. And I feel lots of guilt. And hopefully that's okay.

So all you mama's who relate to me, I appreciate it.




I really do. And January is a slow month. Not crazy like December.




It gives you time to reflect. To wonder. To question.

I know I am a stay at home mama and love my job.

Now off for more cleaning, cooking, helping, oh and worrying, wondering and stressing.



For that, I thank you. Thank you life.

Sept. 2008